video to go with this story: Pull Fiction
When you possess of no special natural abilities or higher education but you still want to become a well-known and well-off figure in Spanish society, your best options lie in a political career, preferably with the Partido Popular, the subterranean traveller reports.
If you are aiming for a career in Spanish politics, it is vital to start this endeavour at young age. Though the socialist workers' party certainly offers bright opportunities for aspiring no-goods, the equivocally called people's party, for being so much deeper rooted in the five hundred years old art of Castillian empire building, is always the better choice. Team up with the movement and frequent Sunday gatherings where you say stupid things about the country's fringes, both geophysical and societal - all Basks are terrorists, Catalans are separatists, Andalusians are communists, working people are profiteers, the unemployed hate our freedumbs, etcetera. Make sure you always wear a blazer over English shoes and do not shy away from a personal touch by way of a choker or pink pull-overs, perhaps even bleach your hair. Be careful though not to cross any lines into un-popular territory. As a rule of thumb, remember that who you are can never be as important as what you can do for the empire. The only way is up!
Next on your list is securing of a first post of relative importance. Mayor of a small town or a seat in a larger city's council would do just fine. You won't certainly be the only one with such illuminous ambition, so you had better be prepared to win. Then again, if you weren't you would have found out that one long ago, wouldn't you? So let's assume you manage.
You are now inside the system and the time has come to seriously plan your ascendance. Your first major move may seem odd or even suicidal to your ambitions, but you will eventually realize it has been pivotal to your career: you engage in unlawful activity. As a municipal decider you will have it easier than as backbencher, but always try for something of reasonable weight in the “taking money for favours” sphere. Taking money for favours, as most readers will know, is an ancient practice in Spanish society. It's comparable to the fifty cents you give to the African beggar at the supermarket for losing his job for you. Some play it bigger, is all. It shouldn't be too difficult to find interested parties.
Of course, there is no sense in committing foul play if nobody kept record of the feat. If you are one hundred percent sure someone else are already taking care of proceedings, that's fine, but in most cases better be safe than sorry and provide your own. Most likely your town houses a detective agency specializing in tapping in on secret restaurant conversations with business friends. Just ask your friends of the movement, or ask any other politician, for that matter. Those detectives love working for adverse contractors at the same time. Would you, against all odds, fail to find a suitable agency, then simply bring your own equipment.
However safely stored away, tapes have the funny habit of resurfacing one day. This is what you seek. You have become bribeable, and you want to be bribeable. Why? Simply, by being “hot” yourself your party comrades higher up the ladder won't see you as an immediate threat to their careers. You aren't going to blow the whistle on whatever funny story you might get to hear when you are clad with sin yourself, are you?
So far, so good. You're in your early thirties now and the stage is set for an irresistible rise through the ranks of the country's most powerful political movement. On your way up, you might want to partake in further unlawful practices, particularly because the spoils of such behaviour will secure you the means to live a life apropiate to your ambitions, but this is not even necessary. Just make sure nobody forgets you too have sinned. Mutual liability is the strongest of adhesives for shaping life long partnerships. The only serious danger your deed might face is expiration of its fallacy date. In this case, just do it again.
You then have a stroke of luck. Having luck is very important. If fate won't provide for it, make sure you create some yourself. Either way, you run into some party hot shots who laugh at your jokes and next thing you know you are invited to sit with the elite. You go exceedingly well prepared, of course, since you are desperate to extend your stay up there any way you can. They will ask what have you done and you confess your little scheme of old and they say, we shall forgive if you would be so kind as to become our envelope runner.
Envelope? you pretend innocence.
Inside, you are screaming with joy. Handing out unknown quantities of ill-gotten money, how much nearer to the fire can one come?
With you and everyone around you heavily implicated in all sorts of sub legal activities, from paying double bills for a bypass project and receiving lavish gifts in return to changing laws to meet your dear friends' needs and being invited to happily ending weekend outings in luxurious holiday resorts, you are now exposed to a much clearer understanding of politics. It is all about being indispensible next time the curtain falls. At your age, you are still upwardly moving so you feel out of harm's way, of sorts, and indeed the first scandal to break you will have nothing to do with. You even dare criticize some of the accused' commitment to the movement, after you have deemed it safe to do so naturally, earning you new standing. Apart from being bribeable, you also show great skills in the field of hypocrisy. But this should hardly be a problem since you received a good catholic education and therefore are ingrained with pretense. And so you rise. She's a mean clever bitch, people praise your ass.
The end will come inevitably and it will always come too soon. Just when your name starts ringing as a confidante of the next prime minister and people wonder aloud which cabinet post might be reserved for you, an old foe brings up your original sin. You immediately strike back by recalling some of your envelope deliveries in detail – you scoundrel, you'd kept notes! - and you tell your adversaries not to be too smart with you, since theirs is infinitely more damaging to both themselves and the movement. As good an argument as it is, it won't hold. Bigger secrets are tumbling out of the closet now and what began as a personal vendetta has suddenly turned into full-blown civil war between two factions desperately struggling for power. You're either on the winning or the losing side and just when you thought you were most likely going to ease through, your leader tells you it's your head that must be offered to secure his safe ascendancy. Original sin and all.
With the empire in mind, you play out your part to perfection. Whatever they throw at you, it was all your idea and yours alone - no help, no guidance, just mean, little, ugly you. After the hypocrisy of innocence, in the end there is the hypocrisy of guilt.
You will be lavishly rewarded, no less. Once the ordeal has passed and you have safely disappeared from the public eye, a well-deserved life long party allowance awaits you, delivered on your doorstep in monthly envelopes. Bearing in mind you had to meet Sarah yet, you might even aim for a second coming ten years from now. We wish you all sorts of good luck!
