The following will not make for pleasant reading, yet with the time for pleasantries well and truly past us those who have a stomach for animals at Xmas should equally be capable of digesting what is turning out to be a tale of our collective destiny. It all starts at a tea meeting with some influential people in the last days of 2001, no space odyssey. We recognise Mr Vice-President, with to his right Dr Doom, the famous climate adviser, then Mr Bubble, the economic hitman, Warmonger himself, Ms Mindfuck, media manipulator and Holy Hill, food processor. Our host will be opening proceedings.
Gentlemen, Ms Mindfuck, I have gathered you here to be informed about the latest findings of our distinguished guest, climate scientist Dr Doom. Doom believes we are done for, as a species that is, and it probably won’t take another thirty years.
That is correct, Mr Vice-President. You see, the climatic effects we are experiencing today, as limited as they may seem, are the result of anything we did more than thirty years ago. It's that slow our Mother reacts, her oceans are vast and absorbing.
You mean to say we will at least get over us what we have done since then?
That's absolutely correct reading, Mindfuck. Taking into account China and India have joined ranks, we'll be sweating it out soon.
The problem, sir, if you allow me, is more than just what we do, the extra heat is triggering all kinds of feedback loops which are speeding up the game. For example, the heat is diminishing the icecap over the north pole, leading to less sunshine being reflected back into space, which is creating more heat.
I get a feeling this heat stuff is going to put a strain on the economy.
Say that again, Mr Bubble. We must navigate our way through this and I was expecting you to examine the doctor and come up with suggestions.
Vice-President sat back.
What do you say, Warmonger?
I say we take out as many countries as can before we get to the end, diminish competition in case of entering a sole survivor strategy.
Great idea. I await your proposals. A similar scenario must be available for the economy at large, wouldn't there, Mr Bubble?
We are in the fade out phase of the great post war bubble, Vice, there's still some impact to be gained. I'd say in five to seven years we can spring the banks and let the middle class go to hell. We'll then drain the money out of them in another seven years.
That should be well in time for further events. Am I right, Dr Doom?
Certainly, Mr Vice-President, but I wonder, if you allow me, were the gain is. The temperature can easily rise ten degrees and then everything around us will die and we are in for next. There is no escaping runaway climate change.
Then tell us, doctor, when exactly will we see the first clear signs? I live by facts.
As far as we know at this moment, our single gravest threat is methane. It is starting to free up from the permafrost and it will cover half the globe once the pole ice has gone, which could well happen within twenty years. Methane is a real magnifying glass. We'll all be roast, if it isn't catching fire first and burn our oxygen.
So how do we stop it?
There's no stopping it now, sir. We're past that station.
That's nonsense, Doom. We're humans. We always find solutions, it's in our nature. So give me some dates. Should we be ready by 2015?
I believe you can safely assume by 2015 only minor visible impacts will have occurred, though much more frequently than nowadays. Floodings, fires, famines, they will become daily events. Yet we continue monitoring and sharpening our understanding.
You do that, Doom. Meanwhile I can see in your eyes you have a cunning plan, Warmonger, care share it with us?
I'm not sure the doctor should hear this.
The doctor already knows too much. He still hasn't told us everything and is staying a while longer. So shoot.
It was Mind who confined we should freeze the place over and I thought, yes, and I know how. We are going to create a new clear winter, Vice. We're going to drop some nukes in a whole lot of volcanoes and all the shit will hit the sky and there'll be no sunshine for the planet and everything is going to freeze over, including Dr Doom's north pole. This is how we contain the problem, sir.
As we always do, Don. Smart thinking, both of you. Tell us, dear doctor, how many big ones can we drop before things get beyond repair?
Gosh. I'm by no means an expert, President.
Vice.
Excuse me. I'd say ten is a lot and if you plan them well you can get a whole lot out of them, I suppose.
We shall certainly strive to maximize our profits, doctor, rest assured. Mindfuck?
It'll be a hard sell, Vice: you're government is now going to kill you to save itself. I'd rather have an enemy.
You're right, Mind, we can't pull this off without the Russians. How trustworthy is this Putin guy?
He seems to be in on the game.
I feel we need to go full war with Russia, if they agree that is, since we can only sell this as an accident. How else do I tell the public we're going to turn the lights on them?
New clear war is a hard bubble, Mind. Not many people will buy into the prospect. So let me run a counter story and keep them happily consuming until there final days.
Wouldn't that stand in our way?
It's the perfect mix up, Mindfuck. You start provoking Putin. Build him up and make him the villain. Run a good story on him. Bubble keeps them barely alive until dooms day comes, losing folks on the way never a problem, of course.
And how can I help, sir?
Dear Holy Hill, we had almost forgotten about you. You can make them weak. Feed them gmoes and spread diseases. Killing agriculture worldwide would be a great achievement. And your contribution to the recently intensified chemtrail programme is well received, I was urged to tell you.
Thank you, sir. If I may ask, sir, how exactly are we going to survive the fall-out?
(We imagine faces turning towards the source of such ingenious questioning.)
We'll sit underground and check upstairs every once in a while, dear. Our subway cities are growing fast. In another twenty years we should reach longevity in a self-regenerating system. Thanks to new technology, life will soon be robotized. If we keep our calm we can survive. When the sun returns we build the place up again with our seeds and our genes. It will be ours.
At last.
How many shall we be?
We must be as widespread as possible. And I mean that most sincerely, Mind, and all of you. We must include Russia and China in this and all nations capable of following. We're going to be few, so better not too far between. Our enemy is the mass we will have to exclude from survival. It will be the same everywhere and we could really benefit from a worldwide information structure. Wouldn't want no mad hordes running around Washington. Get me this Putin guy on the phone, first thing his morning.
Vice-President served himself a cigar.
Shouldn't the president be informed, Mr Vice?
The president is busy rehearsing his Texan swag. He will of course get briefed in due time. Mindfuck, you will be extra busy convincing the public that nature is doing fine and that government knows best, because since 911 this alt thing is going on the internet, driving the poor folks crazy. In the meantime, you are going to sell every war as just and honest, no matter what those crack pots say. And Hollywood will be all about death and destruction, mix some fear porn in as you like it. Life on the streets will mirror the levels of violence on screen, as always, policing the main culprit. We will all work to be ready by 2015 and then we'll see how far we can trace time before we pull the plug on the old show. Welcome the new show.
It's quite the plan, Vice.
It's the only plan, dear Bubble.
Champagne, anyone?
(*) Title inspired by Mark Twain's 1601, conversation as it was, by the social fireside, in the time of the Tudors
